How I plan to waste my night

Best new show not on TV

If Shanklin were still my roomate

This would be my life

Pappaw

My wife is currently vacationing at her dad's. He remarried a couple of years ago for the third time and relocated to Florida (which apparently he has wanted to do for years). I have begun to understand him more and realize that we are more similar than I ever imagined. He doesn't really like forced or unnatural interaction with people but while I embrace my complexities while attempting to quell my natural inhibitions for the sake of my wife/family, he will not compromise. He has been behaving more in line with his natural proclivities as of late and the new wife is not dealing with the change very well. He chose to present a reformed version of himself to her during the courtship and as of late has allowed this reformation to retard. We all began to believe that he actually had changed and seemed to be genuine in being generally cuddlier in his personality but according to the wife, this may not be the case. He is not capable of bending to the will of others. He is just generally annoyed at things not being as he feels they should. The presence of iron willed son has definitely exacerbated their current situation. My father in law has always lived with women in his adult life and he has a powerful personality. He is accustomed to getting his way in everything. He would even plan each night of the week what they would have for dinner. This detail to minutiae gives him comfort as he needs a high level of control to deal with life. I relate to this compulsion in many ways but also have the foresight to understand that thia action does not lend oneself to fostering productive relationships with the people that you love. You ultimately only have master/slave relationships with resentment dwelling only slightly beneath the surface, hence the 3rd marriage. So anyway it has been interesting for me to see how my wife, who will go to great lengths to keep her father happy, has had to adapt to seeing how son is so much like his father that he bucks at any and all attempts by his beloved Pappaw to break his natural tendencies to be the lil' badass that he is. I personally understand the frustration in that you want to be able to conrtol a small child and that is not to say that I can't but I am conflicted b/c I feel that he should get to experience life on his own terms as long as it isn't gonna get him hurt or hurt someone else. I personally enjoy that the boy sings his "Thomas the Train" songs in the stylings of death metal but Pappaw appaarently not so much. I suppose that the underlying message that has been illuminated to me is that when you love someone you gotta compromise on damn near everything. I watch cartoons all day long, am way more knowledgable about hair care products and make up than any man should be, and up until this week, haven't had a night out with the boys in years. Compromise. The funny part of the thing is that you do all these things so gradually and unconsciously that they seem like a natural progression. When men are alone and being honest, women don't really change us from the boys that they fell in love with but we grow up into the men that we hope that they will wanna grow old with...or I guess you just keep swinging for the fences like Pappaw.

Owning up to being over 30

I decided that I' m ready to be 30. Which at 31 isn't such an awesome thing to say. I am sure that doesn't seem like much of a statement but for me being over 30 means so many things. I hope that I can properly convey all my random musings into this journal. I am finally becoming comfortable with me. I have mistakenly felt at was at this point several times in my life but these have been outnumbered by the times that I have felt like a complete failure. It's always amusing for me when I realize how our perception of someone differs from their personal thoughts on themself. I say that b/c I know that most of the people that I still encounter think I have it together while I feel like I hang by a ever dissolving thread. I still remember the first time that this became so clear for me. I was in my senior year of high school. We were engaging in a class discussion on something trivial like prom or the sort and I was making my point. When suddenly this girl who I barely knew says something to the effect of "Well, it's not as easy for all of us like it is you". I was so taken aback. I grew up middle class (and in this group, I was certainly in the lower half), have/had relatively low self esteem, have/had a small group of friends, and wasn't exactly the class valedictorian. What made my life so perfect to her. I am not here to be all poor me b/c high school wasn't difficult for me. I was as popular as I wanted to be and never felt anything other than any self imposed exile (by which I mean some kids don't long for the staus-quo). However, it's not like I was any happier than anyone else. I had plenty of down days. I have struggled with severe depression for all of my life. The only difference was I had people that I didn't want to disappoint. I would have ended my life during these periods of depression if not for the fact that I didn't them to have to question what they had done wrong. Which wasn't anything. That didn't mean that many a Sunday night I wouldn't drive to the railroad tracks and race the train seriously pondering whether or not to just turn the car into those headlights. I guess I am just saying that I am glad that had a strong enough compulsion to not quit.
so here I am...31, bald, 20 pounds overweight, and finally ready to grow up. I recently have come to accept my life's decisions and their repercussions. I joined the military back in 98 b/c I needed to finally finish something. I am staying in for the same reason. It has made me a better person as I have expanded my circle of acquaintance and have found that ultimately while I enjoy being to relate to someone on a superficial level (You love the same music and TV shows as me... that's awesome); that alone isn't what makes me happy. I much prefer someone that I can have a deeper connection for my occasional interaction. Someone who understands the intricacies of the our electoral process, why I struggle with my spirituality over the underrepresented value in allowing oneself to be completely reliant on their God (to be discussed in greater length in future blogs as I plan to continue this conversation later), and how are we going to continue policing the world with an ever expanding budget deficit have become far more important bullet points to a powerful friendship.
I have really digressed from my original intent with this blog. I was just reading an article on blogging on how 'zines were started by college kids working shitty jobs with unsupervised access to corporate copiers. The main thing that I got out of the article was how we have begun exposing our inner monologue to the world and how that occurrence is somewhat bizarre. Imagine if you just took a diary to work everyday and asked your co-workers to read it and comment. I suppose that is an extreme example as I find that most people over the age of 40 will engage in inanely personal conversation with complete. Is blogging truly any more difficult to understand than the lady in front of me at the checkout telling about her purchases or her personal life (my kid/ grand kid loves x and hates x and looking to me for feedback)? I feel compelled to understand and engage these people more than ever in my quest to join them in a more accepted form of normalcy. --side note...this point brings me to the Showtime series "Dexter" about a serial killer who is so far removed from normal human emotion that he creates an outward facade of insincere emotions to better interact with co-workers/girlfriends/family. I have become so drawn to this character solely based on my "everyday" interactions with the general public.
This went nowhere but I have so much going in my head right now that I am not sure where to stop/start. Most likely the result of signing up for four more years (already three years into these conditions) of working alone in a box.

holdin' it down

...today's ramblings

I have decided that, as unnecessary as I find this "blogging" phenomena, I will write again. I am just surprised at the joy that reading about friends and strangers' lives brings me. The problem is the unlikely intersection of the two. I routinely read a blog of some random Memphis chick, who can best be described as neurotic. I could not have a conversation in real life with this chick because anyone who is self-involved enough to post everyday about what rad shows they went to and or boys that did or did not talk to them is obviously annoying. However, there in lies my Catch-22. I enjoy putting my randomness in print and I enough the being voyeuristic (it's a sickness) aspect of it all. I check hers and other select blogs daily and am pissed when they contain nothing new. I love reading about some show that I probably would've missed even if I could've gone but I do not like my pretend blog friends and my real friends blogs intersecting.
I was stunned to find that my pretend friend went to Trotter's welcome back party and took pictures. Way too weird. Have my friends become some sort of cultural curiosity? Wha the hell am I missing. I find you guys entertaining but how do these "coolness collectors" stumble into your world. I mean this chick referenced the "rocker handshake". That shit was supposed to be a secret.
If you bitches could please keep out the rift raft in the future. I mean, damn, you are ruining my life. Why don't ya'll just get the fucking scene to drink PBR and pretend to like country. wait you already did.
Here is the irony, I really do like country, Skoal, and Straight JD's. I am confused at how uncool being "cool" has become. I am getting back to '93. I am rocking some Geto Boys and OE8. Catch up hipsters. So you know what fuck it let's let all the secrets out. Let's record " Quarter pound of Pussy" and " Bitches" for real. I got some beats and after listening to Lil' Wyte's new album, I realize that I am Memphis' best worst rapper. I gotz da stunted flo that makes da bitches mo-an. Believe dat.
I am over the 20's. Bring on being grown. Having a mortage, a 401k, and some student loans is da realest.

Dev, you are making a good move. Just enjoy being on your own. One of the best years of my life was that first year out of Memphis b/c you then appreciate Memphis. The city is home and it always will be. It is hard to abandon the womb that the city can be but if you allow yourself to leave you will see it all more clearly. That first year in Arizona I didn't know a soul and I was glad that I didn't. I would drive to a nearby mountain range from my house and sit on the side of a mountain. Just me and a 40. Reading, writing, and thinking about Memphis. I had nights at the the grimiest dive bars that I could find. I met random dudes and had random conversations. I realized what I truly liked and loved about the dirty south and why I needed the separation.

I do wonder what all this means. I could sleep for days and wonder if I missed a beat. I am getting smarter or thinkning that I am. I really just wanna get paid enough to get what I need and not what I want. I would be happy making mix tapes for a living. I am not saying that I am the world's best unrealized DJ but obviously my taste would be well-recieved b/c neurotic blogger chick shouted out all the music played at Trotter's party and I know that for the most part we all rock the same shit.

"Let the healing begin"

First off somehow Leno was actually funny during his banter with his Bush imitator. I usually turn the channel immediately at the sight of his unfunny ass. I will just say that the whole exchange was not shitty (Conan probably wrote it as a thank you for quitting five years). JL :"Anything surprise you about the election?" G-Dub: "Yeah, I was surprised to see that Illinois elected Osama Bin Laden" Leno: "Um...sir, that was Barack Obama" G-Dub: (frantically looking side to side) " Hey...Hey...Call it off. Call it off."

I figured that I would post the following transcript from a piece that I saw on 60 Minutes Wednesday. I just kinda got up in the idea of it all and it is truly good stuff, regardless "Red" or "Blue".

(CBS) This week's commentary is by 60 Minutes Wednesday columnist Steve Hartman.


I don’t know about you, but I had a really long night last night. I was in my office watching the returns come in: waiting and flipping, flipping and waiting for that decisive moment. But by 1 a.m., the only thing that had hit 270 was my cholesterol. Scarier still was the map. Four years and almost nothing had changed. The country was still bitterly divided along pretty much the exact same lines. So the way I see it, we now face a choice. We can once again half-heartedly feign coming together, but not really mean it, or we can end the partisan bickering once and for all. That’s right, I’m talking two nations – under God – divisible – the United Red States of America and the United Blue States of America. Let’s face it, we had a nice 200-year run, but we’re just not compatible anymore. So let’s wish each other well and divide up the stuff. Reds, you get NASCAR. Blues, you get wind surfing. Blues also get Bruce Springsteen, while reds get every country song ever written. Fortunately, except for a few states out West, we’ve divided ourselves into this convenient, contiguous pattern. Of course some states, like Ohio, will have to be split east/west. Columbus will be our Berlin – with a cement wall right down the center. Democrats can build it, or Republicans can outsource the job to China, just as long as it’s big enough to keep Howard Stern on one side and Bill O’Reilly on the other. Also, if we each get our own idyllic society, blue states could have gay marriage, and red states could have the Ten Commandments embroidered onto every judge’s robes. Blues could keep the first amendment and get rid of the second. Reds could keep the second and get rid of the first. But best of all, by dividing America in two, we could all see how great it is as one. Maybe then we could appreciate our differences and learn the art of something called compromise. Or maybe we could try and do that now, and save us all the trouble of getting new stamps.

so you won...

I just wanted to officially declare the bandwagon full as I am the last one on. Bosox, Pats, G-Dub, and me...all winners. So there you have it, ball-suckin' liberals.
I look forward to four years of your witty retorts and that charming smile. I look forward to your totally hot daughter Jenna being on TV more as she teaches those inner city criminals in the making how to read and hopefully less coverage of the other one. I look forward to seeing all of Cheney's completely badass self( I mean, dude, the shackles are off). I look forward to seeing just how christian crusade-esque we get up on the muslims (fuck them, fuckers...They should've picked Jesus 'cuz he is a winner). I look forward to you telling me what god told you last night in a dream and then you telling me how you and JC are so BFF. I look forward to Cheney's lesbian daughter getting on with Portia DeRossi or some other hot lesbian b/c she is so famous now. I look forward to Laura being all demure and hopefully enabling all women to understand that they are important for sex and listening but not opinions. I look forward to having Social Security coming out of my check as I obviously I am not using it. I look forward to Karl Rove being named to People Magazine's 50 most beautiful list as his genius will finally be appreciated. I look forward to you totally sticking it to the liberal faggots even tho you actually didn't mention any new plans for the next 4 years (-Note to Rove, Get on that-).
I just wanted to say thanks for forgiving me for doubting you as obviously "you da man". I just hope you find some cool stuff to help Rush out b/c um...you guys won, like big.

I am gonna try really hard....

I must first acknowledge that I didn't realize this was anything more than a journal so forgive me for my lack of spell check and punctuation. I never read it, I just type (poorly). so now with (thanks german radio) R. Kelly telling me, in the background, about my potential I (halfway into a bottle of beam b/c jd lowered the volume and makes me ....um suicidal) resume this most unnecessary of endeavors.
I am completely by myself over here. It is strange and I find that I am uncomfortable most of the time. I can only talk to one guy in my town and I find myself using broken English with him. I am the stranger in a strange place but I am finding comfort in it. The first place I lived outside of my mom's was Felix Ave. Felix in and of itself was as stereotypical a house as there ever was. Parties, Drunk, sex, blah blah blah... But some small things take you back to where you were then. Felix will always be cold to me. I don't mean that in a bad way but in a literal one. I picked the shiitiest room in the house. I was just so stoked to be moving out of my mom's ( I had visions of re-dunc-ulous sex...again R. Kelly). I picked what at one time was no doubt the dining room. It was right inside the front door and had clear glass doors on it, with a nice sized gap at the bottom. I put up black sheets and mad privacy. I thought anyway until I entertained a date ( a rebound at that) and learned the next day that my sexy candles put on a show.
The room, as I routinely get off topic, was horribly cold. We had all moved into the house in the fall and it had old school floor furnaces, which when stood over were amazing. however, most of us were freezing all night long. I assume b/c I was cold as ice (to paraphrase the movie). Tonight I was making my dinner (r.e. reheating the dinner from Sat. ) and I realized that this is in some ways Felix. The kitchen doesn't have Ben's Grilled Cheeses and Dev's random pics of Winona but this motherfucker is cold. I say that not as Bootsy Collins but as someone who does not know how to work their German made heater which may or may not be in the basement.
I have 2 things that I want to share with you.
1) The man on the german radio thinks that racism is bad and that if you are racist pls call him b/c he wants to help. I assume by playing you some of the horrible r&b music that I have been listening to due to my laziness. --side note-- the black lady on the radio says that god made you so quit hating and she has now requested boyz2men fo Jesus, One Love. --I am too drunk to even think about this. Fuck you spell check. What won't I do fo love....so true.

2) this is the real reason for this entry. My landlord's dad lives across the street and we have no common bond. I (We ) talk routinely using hand gestures and broken (i.e. 1st grade level) german. I refer to the neighbor as Opa (Grandpa in german) and his grandkids who speak some english seem to know whom I referring. I noticed that he has been gone everyday and that is uncharacteristic ( Yes, I am your grandparent. Keeping tabs on the neighbors; but let's get back to topic).
I came to find that his wife is in the german version of the "home". She is suffering from heart blockage and she will come home but who knows for how long. I am in late my 20's and as unsympathetic as the next fucker but this got me. See, you reach a point in life (I am just being honest) where you understand that you have done (sexually) what you wanted. WHOA WHOA WHOA. You lost me. I am saying that I witnessed true love at 14 and have never looked back.
We had a full on alheizmer's patient working at my school. We all callously thought he was just some old man on his last stand. Well, we were fuckers and wrong. That old fuckers was probably all of us embodied in one man. He had been a major league prospect and a janitor. I often wonder if that isn't what life is. The highs and lows. Mr. Berry wouldn't let us take his dignity from him b/c he had so much more than we ever saw. Something that we all wanted. He had love.
All bullshit aside I saw it and it changed my life. I was 14 and on my way to church with my mom. We had started picking up Ms. Berry that summer and it carried into fall. I am not sure how it started but one morning, she basically took the time to make sure he got back into the house and kissed him good-bye. He had no idea where he was but he had the one thing that nations base wars on....love. Mr. Berry had achieved narnia. He found someone who loved him no matter what. I wonder if any of us will find it or realize it if we do. I cried the whole ride home and my mom never understood but I knew that was love that I might never see again. Blame the Beam but you know that it drives us all. The search for acceptance and love. Nah Fuck it blam ethe Beam

side notes

so for the next month, it is just me and the dog. part of me is kinda ok with it. i always seem to have some moment of clarity when i all alone.
kinda makes me miss felix ave. i used to have the house to myself every sun. night. not really sure how it worked out, it just did. i would go out on the porch and sit on the swing that we had donated by our benefactor (this was prior to its untimely demise). i used to write letters that i never sent. who was the letters were for is unimportant. i had so many moments of clarity. i think that it might have been the last time that i cried. i just felt like things were clearer there on that porch.
i guess that i miss alot of things about being 20. i had crushes, a shitty job, and lots of free time. i spend my days now rushing to everyplace that i go. i feel like i am always in a hurry and time passes by and the shit stays the same. i have better taste in music now and think about suicide less but i am not sure if it all makes sense. i really saw my life being different and i guess it still can be. it is funny i want the same thing today that i wanted 10 years ago. i make something that is from my heart that affects someone else. in a way that so many things have affected me. like the first time i heard stranger's almanac. i must listened to that record 50 times. granted most of them were while a bottle of jd followed by a nap. but it changed my life. i quit being snobby about art. i like what i like now. i am not concerned about its revelance to anyone else. it is probably the last record that i heard that i never recommended to a soul. i want it all to myself. i don't my friends saying something shitty and planting any a seed of doubt in my mind.
i guess i am here now so i must be here and make it work. i used to think that i created my own misery and maybe now i have in some ways. but i am in a 7 year and i expect to have a moment soon. --in short, i believe that every seven years a significant event happens in my life and is usually marked by some pop culture which i use to remember it with. 21 was "beautiful girls" and it has framed my 20's. i am still waiting for this year's event.--
speaking of crying. i used to cry often. it is weird how things happen. i never really noticed that i don't cry anymore until the last few years. nothing effects me anymore. i never even tear up. i have only person to thank for this occurrence. SHE. she left me the last time cried. not actually at that moment but she said that day that she changed the way she felt. the whole incident is irrevelant but it changed my life. i hardened my heart that day. i became the asshole that i knew i could be and didn't look back for years. i lost alot of friends and gained a few pseudo ones to replace that old ones but none stuck.
being alone brings clarity b/c you get to have the conversations that you never can. i have a lot of them here now and that is why these entries never flow. they are just my random thoughts as they come out. one into the other. with no feedback blurring the outcome. i imagine the next month they will get even more muddy as alcohol will be involved.

I can't sleep

i am finding it increasingly more difficult to sleep at night. I am not alleging some vast government conspiracy but each night it gets more weird. i lay down around 2 or 3 am and close my eyes( like a normal person). i am subjected to a round of visual imagery that is borderline "a clockwork orange". i see all these flashes of moving pictures of things that i can't place. it usually lasts about 10 minutes and i can never place any of it. most of it appears to have been around the early 19th century based on the clothes. i am getting totally weirded out by it. i am not one to put any stock in that past life non-sense but it is disturbing. i see things that i shouldn't and they are not from some movie. so in response i have decided to begin drinking heavily again. (i admit that i had slowed down b/c last time i got an apparent migraine while at work. it consisted of my vision blurring until i couldn't see anything but white light and thus became convinced i would be the new ray charles and since i play no instruments and my wife says that voice isn't good enough to make me the first "blind boy of tennessee", i cut back). whenever i pass out i don't have to deal with this bs so i yet again i fix myself. i say screw you to Kerry for trying to give health coverage to all americans. the alcohol industry has worked hard over the years to provide all americans with the opportunity to self medicate and now the good people in canada and mexico are doing their part. you can easily cross the border to get whatever you need and big ups to the drug industry for having commercials so that we all know what to ask for.
also, i heard to great quotes on npr today. i am prefacing this by saying that i am jumping off the blah blah blah election bandwagon so i am just sharing.
apparently a group of decided and undecided voters in an affluent suburd of Minneapolis had a debate "get-together".
--side note-- that is fucking weird to me that the upper middle class is so bored that they are having debate parties. it is not like it is the super bowl. although i think office pools would make it all more fun and get more people involved. i am not saying limit it to " i'll take bush and the points" but fuck let's include all the issues and get congress involved. "hey billy do think that the assault weapon ban will be re-introduced after the election. well joe i had hoped to ride the gay marriage deal to the top of the standing but cheney's lesbo daughter really fucked me so i am hoping that the ten commandments getting banned puts me back in this thing. i had the dems and 5 votes but vegas just pushed the line to even so i am feeling to good". i attribute my deep affection for the nfl and college basketball to the good people at vegas and the chance to pocket and extra $50 bones at the job. --
so the folks get together and the one lady tells npr "I have a good many friends who have said that if they had a draft age child, they would rethink their vote." and the next lady says " I have type 1 diabetes, and i am voting bush. i really feel that kerry's efforts for a national health care program is bad. i really feel that he should do more research." in the spirit of my refusal to lean one way or the other online i am refraining from commentary. i will say that sean penn may be pissed at matt and trey for saying that uninformed voters should not vote but as always comedy central makes a good point. and that chapelle is funny.