side notes

so for the next month, it is just me and the dog. part of me is kinda ok with it. i always seem to have some moment of clarity when i all alone.
kinda makes me miss felix ave. i used to have the house to myself every sun. night. not really sure how it worked out, it just did. i would go out on the porch and sit on the swing that we had donated by our benefactor (this was prior to its untimely demise). i used to write letters that i never sent. who was the letters were for is unimportant. i had so many moments of clarity. i think that it might have been the last time that i cried. i just felt like things were clearer there on that porch.
i guess that i miss alot of things about being 20. i had crushes, a shitty job, and lots of free time. i spend my days now rushing to everyplace that i go. i feel like i am always in a hurry and time passes by and the shit stays the same. i have better taste in music now and think about suicide less but i am not sure if it all makes sense. i really saw my life being different and i guess it still can be. it is funny i want the same thing today that i wanted 10 years ago. i make something that is from my heart that affects someone else. in a way that so many things have affected me. like the first time i heard stranger's almanac. i must listened to that record 50 times. granted most of them were while a bottle of jd followed by a nap. but it changed my life. i quit being snobby about art. i like what i like now. i am not concerned about its revelance to anyone else. it is probably the last record that i heard that i never recommended to a soul. i want it all to myself. i don't my friends saying something shitty and planting any a seed of doubt in my mind.
i guess i am here now so i must be here and make it work. i used to think that i created my own misery and maybe now i have in some ways. but i am in a 7 year and i expect to have a moment soon. --in short, i believe that every seven years a significant event happens in my life and is usually marked by some pop culture which i use to remember it with. 21 was "beautiful girls" and it has framed my 20's. i am still waiting for this year's event.--
speaking of crying. i used to cry often. it is weird how things happen. i never really noticed that i don't cry anymore until the last few years. nothing effects me anymore. i never even tear up. i have only person to thank for this occurrence. SHE. she left me the last time cried. not actually at that moment but she said that day that she changed the way she felt. the whole incident is irrevelant but it changed my life. i hardened my heart that day. i became the asshole that i knew i could be and didn't look back for years. i lost alot of friends and gained a few pseudo ones to replace that old ones but none stuck.
being alone brings clarity b/c you get to have the conversations that you never can. i have a lot of them here now and that is why these entries never flow. they are just my random thoughts as they come out. one into the other. with no feedback blurring the outcome. i imagine the next month they will get even more muddy as alcohol will be involved.