Monday, October 18, 2004

I am gonna try really hard....

I must first acknowledge that I didn't realize this was anything more than a journal so forgive me for my lack of spell check and punctuation. I never read it, I just type (poorly). so now with (thanks german radio) R. Kelly telling me, in the background, about my potential I (halfway into a bottle of beam b/c jd lowered the volume and makes me ....um suicidal) resume this most unnecessary of endeavors.
I am completely by myself over here. It is strange and I find that I am uncomfortable most of the time. I can only talk to one guy in my town and I find myself using broken English with him. I am the stranger in a strange place but I am finding comfort in it. The first place I lived outside of my mom's was Felix Ave. Felix in and of itself was as stereotypical a house as there ever was. Parties, Drunk, sex, blah blah blah... But some small things take you back to where you were then. Felix will always be cold to me. I don't mean that in a bad way but in a literal one. I picked the shiitiest room in the house. I was just so stoked to be moving out of my mom's ( I had visions of re-dunc-ulous sex...again R. Kelly). I picked what at one time was no doubt the dining room. It was right inside the front door and had clear glass doors on it, with a nice sized gap at the bottom. I put up black sheets and mad privacy. I thought anyway until I entertained a date ( a rebound at that) and learned the next day that my sexy candles put on a show.
The room, as I routinely get off topic, was horribly cold. We had all moved into the house in the fall and it had old school floor furnaces, which when stood over were amazing. however, most of us were freezing all night long. I assume b/c I was cold as ice (to paraphrase the movie). Tonight I was making my dinner (r.e. reheating the dinner from Sat. ) and I realized that this is in some ways Felix. The kitchen doesn't have Ben's Grilled Cheeses and Dev's random pics of Winona but this motherfucker is cold. I say that not as Bootsy Collins but as someone who does not know how to work their German made heater which may or may not be in the basement.
I have 2 things that I want to share with you.
1) The man on the german radio thinks that racism is bad and that if you are racist pls call him b/c he wants to help. I assume by playing you some of the horrible r&b music that I have been listening to due to my laziness. --side note-- the black lady on the radio says that god made you so quit hating and she has now requested boyz2men fo Jesus, One Love. --I am too drunk to even think about this. Fuck you spell check. What won't I do fo love....so true.

2) this is the real reason for this entry. My landlord's dad lives across the street and we have no common bond. I (We ) talk routinely using hand gestures and broken (i.e. 1st grade level) german. I refer to the neighbor as Opa (Grandpa in german) and his grandkids who speak some english seem to know whom I referring. I noticed that he has been gone everyday and that is uncharacteristic ( Yes, I am your grandparent. Keeping tabs on the neighbors; but let's get back to topic).
I came to find that his wife is in the german version of the "home". She is suffering from heart blockage and she will come home but who knows for how long. I am in late my 20's and as unsympathetic as the next fucker but this got me. See, you reach a point in life (I am just being honest) where you understand that you have done (sexually) what you wanted. WHOA WHOA WHOA. You lost me. I am saying that I witnessed true love at 14 and have never looked back.
We had a full on alheizmer's patient working at my school. We all callously thought he was just some old man on his last stand. Well, we were fuckers and wrong. That old fuckers was probably all of us embodied in one man. He had been a major league prospect and a janitor. I often wonder if that isn't what life is. The highs and lows. Mr. Berry wouldn't let us take his dignity from him b/c he had so much more than we ever saw. Something that we all wanted. He had love.
All bullshit aside I saw it and it changed my life. I was 14 and on my way to church with my mom. We had started picking up Ms. Berry that summer and it carried into fall. I am not sure how it started but one morning, she basically took the time to make sure he got back into the house and kissed him good-bye. He had no idea where he was but he had the one thing that nations base wars on....love. Mr. Berry had achieved narnia. He found someone who loved him no matter what. I wonder if any of us will find it or realize it if we do. I cried the whole ride home and my mom never understood but I knew that was love that I might never see again. Blame the Beam but you know that it drives us all. The search for acceptance and love. Nah Fuck it blam ethe Beam

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